He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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