Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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