Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
