u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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