Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I just found a bag of teeth...
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize