So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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