I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Randomize
