Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
