He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
