I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
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