3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
