I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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