I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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