Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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