you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
i came on her dog
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
