i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
