i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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