At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
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