Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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