After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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