I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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