Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize