How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I pour the whiskey from now on
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
