we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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