Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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