Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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