two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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