Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
