we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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