Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I checked into jail on foursquare
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
