I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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