I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
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