I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
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