Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
