Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
