I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
His nipple licking is glorious
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