Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
