Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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