My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Randomize
