I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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