I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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