Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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