a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
They took my balls.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Randomize
