Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
