yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
