You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
