Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
