If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize