I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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