well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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