I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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