He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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