I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
