I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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