My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
