You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Randomize
