Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Text me some of your sweat
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
