Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
