Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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