Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize