Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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