Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
