I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
