I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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