everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
