I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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