Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
